Aha! My favorite economic concept, the perverse incentive! The people who use the apps want to meet someone and stop using the app, while the app makers make their money by keeping users hooked. This is a brilliant insight! No wonder the apps are frustrating to so many users!
I highly recommend Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s new book, Don’t Trust Your Gut: Using Data to Get What You Really Want in Life. He has a chapter on online dating, and he points to another problem with dating apps: The apps prioritize traits such as youth, beauty, and physique--which are precisely the least relevant traits for happiness in a committed relationship. For a committed relationship to be successful, you need emotional maturity, a sense of humor, and compatible personalities, all ineffable qualities that emerge organically when you meet someone irl, but that are invisible to these apps.
Plus, as my son could attest, people lie on the apps, which means that users don’t trust them. It’s well known that men on the apps have no chance if they’re shorter than 6’, so men who are in the ballpark of 6’ (say, 5’9” or above) will say they’re 6’ tall. My son happens to actually be 6’, and he says that the women he meets are always surprised to see that he is in fact the height he reported in his profile. I suspect that lots of women lie about their age and weight. This is another perverse incentive: If you have no chance to match on these apps unless you meet certain superficial criteria, why not lie about those criteria? But that incentive to lie degrades overall trust in the apps and worsens the experience for everyone.
Thank you for the kind words. I had the exact same problem as your son, to the point I just started putting 6'1 as my height. I've always found it perverse that I had to launch a deception because there was so much deception no one believed my honesty.
My sister met her current boyfriend on the apps, and he both lied about his height and is really, really sensitive about it. I know shortness can be sensitive for guys, but your comment makes me wonder: Was he *as* sensitive about his height before he entered into an app-centered dating world, or did the fact he had to begin his dating life lying about it make it worse?
Im sure that most people who met online met through a dating app, but I’d still be interested in seeing the number breakdown further to those who met on a dating-specific app and those who met just randomly on the internet. I myself met my husband the analog way, in college in 2000, which according to your graph was the absolute peak of meeting your spouse in college. But since then, although I too am a member of the Oregon Trail generation, I’ve made many good and lasting friends on the internet. Not on apps designed for that purpose, but on message boards or blogging and commenting forums like Substack. The idea of a dating app terrifies me, but I’m quite comfortable (and good at) making friends online in the random way that mirrors the randomness of real life meetings. I also know a couple getting married soon who met online, but not on a dating app. They met in a forum about a shared interest.
Excellent essay, as a former user of some of these services most economic concepts you rightfully applied to these apps are awfully visible after a certain time
There has to be, right? My recollection from using OkCupid is that in addition to having the dumbest name on Earth it was very text based. I think your wording is spot on. The problem with the Tinderized apps isn't that they're superficial it's that they're almost entirely superficial. Physical attractiveness is important but it's not everything and everyone knows it's maleable based off other factors. You're more likely to find someone attractive if you have chemistry with them. It'd be like ordering a meal based purely on smell.
I think EHarmony tried to do that, back in the day? I vaguely remember using it, like, 15 years ago. They made you go through a long pseudo scientific psych questionnaire before you started, and (supposedly?) made that the basis of your profile? They had photos too, but they were de-emphasized, if I recall. Not sure what they do now, or if they even exist anymore.
Aha! My favorite economic concept, the perverse incentive! The people who use the apps want to meet someone and stop using the app, while the app makers make their money by keeping users hooked. This is a brilliant insight! No wonder the apps are frustrating to so many users!
I highly recommend Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s new book, Don’t Trust Your Gut: Using Data to Get What You Really Want in Life. He has a chapter on online dating, and he points to another problem with dating apps: The apps prioritize traits such as youth, beauty, and physique--which are precisely the least relevant traits for happiness in a committed relationship. For a committed relationship to be successful, you need emotional maturity, a sense of humor, and compatible personalities, all ineffable qualities that emerge organically when you meet someone irl, but that are invisible to these apps.
Plus, as my son could attest, people lie on the apps, which means that users don’t trust them. It’s well known that men on the apps have no chance if they’re shorter than 6’, so men who are in the ballpark of 6’ (say, 5’9” or above) will say they’re 6’ tall. My son happens to actually be 6’, and he says that the women he meets are always surprised to see that he is in fact the height he reported in his profile. I suspect that lots of women lie about their age and weight. This is another perverse incentive: If you have no chance to match on these apps unless you meet certain superficial criteria, why not lie about those criteria? But that incentive to lie degrades overall trust in the apps and worsens the experience for everyone.
Thank you for the kind words. I had the exact same problem as your son, to the point I just started putting 6'1 as my height. I've always found it perverse that I had to launch a deception because there was so much deception no one believed my honesty.
My sister met her current boyfriend on the apps, and he both lied about his height and is really, really sensitive about it. I know shortness can be sensitive for guys, but your comment makes me wonder: Was he *as* sensitive about his height before he entered into an app-centered dating world, or did the fact he had to begin his dating life lying about it make it worse?
Im sure that most people who met online met through a dating app, but I’d still be interested in seeing the number breakdown further to those who met on a dating-specific app and those who met just randomly on the internet. I myself met my husband the analog way, in college in 2000, which according to your graph was the absolute peak of meeting your spouse in college. But since then, although I too am a member of the Oregon Trail generation, I’ve made many good and lasting friends on the internet. Not on apps designed for that purpose, but on message boards or blogging and commenting forums like Substack. The idea of a dating app terrifies me, but I’m quite comfortable (and good at) making friends online in the random way that mirrors the randomness of real life meetings. I also know a couple getting married soon who met online, but not on a dating app. They met in a forum about a shared interest.
Unfortunately I couldn't find that data. My gut is that sounds like an actually healthy way to me people.
With so much of the world being Zoomified, I wonder if stories about meeting in college or at work will also be online dating stories.
Nice post. Reading this on my anniversary makes me extremely grateful to be an old married person who missed the whole online dating thing!
Yes! I am Team Met My Spouse in a Bar While Out with Friends, and we’ve been married for 25 years. Highly recommended!
Excellent essay, as a former user of some of these services most economic concepts you rightfully applied to these apps are awfully visible after a certain time
I'm wondering if there's a way to have a better dating app, one that doesn't rely so heavily on the superficial?
There has to be, right? My recollection from using OkCupid is that in addition to having the dumbest name on Earth it was very text based. I think your wording is spot on. The problem with the Tinderized apps isn't that they're superficial it's that they're almost entirely superficial. Physical attractiveness is important but it's not everything and everyone knows it's maleable based off other factors. You're more likely to find someone attractive if you have chemistry with them. It'd be like ordering a meal based purely on smell.
I think EHarmony tried to do that, back in the day? I vaguely remember using it, like, 15 years ago. They made you go through a long pseudo scientific psych questionnaire before you started, and (supposedly?) made that the basis of your profile? They had photos too, but they were de-emphasized, if I recall. Not sure what they do now, or if they even exist anymore.
I think that apps and sites more focused on marriage--or at least relationships--rather than hookups, JDate, for example, are more successful.